To the Hyper-Resilient Person

Resiliency is an interesting thing. Sometimes people come out of hardship with a renewed sense of confidence, while other people will collapse into helplessness. What's the difference? Why do some people seem to have more resiliency than others?

Some research suggests that having at least one safe, supportive adult during your early developmental years is a critical difference.

Other research points to genetic differences or socioeconomic status as the primary influencing factors for becoming a resilient person.

A lot of healing work deals with increasing a person's resiliency. As you learn to regulate your nervous system or reframe your thinking, you become better able to tolerate more of life's stressors without becoming overwhelmed.

But what about the person who is hyper-resilient?

They're independent... to a fault. This person is accustomed to navigating the slings and arrows of life, often alone, and they have learned to trust their own survival skills more than anything (or anyone) else. Their tolerance for suffering is so vast that they often deceive themselves into believing that they are more "okay" than they really are.

This person knows that they are able to deal with crisis, their's and other's, with a relative sense of confidence and focus. They are often seen by others as "the strong one", the one people go to for help or advice. They're fighters. They're survivors.

And they're walking the tightrope of life, teetering on the edge of burnout and collapse.

The goal for wellness is almost always some version of balance. Too little resiliency and we feel dependent and helpless. Too much resiliency and we feel utterly alone and oftentimes overwhelmed.

A person who is hyper-resilient is often uncomfortable (and unpracticed) with asking others for help. They learned a long time ago that nobody is coming to their rescue, so they better figure out a solution on their own; or maybe the "help" they would have received just created more problems, so they learned to manage without. They crave the kind of support that would allow them to soften and trust, but the world has given them too many examples of unreliable people and unpredictable circumstances.

Hyper-resiliency can be a trait developed to avoid disappointment by first guarding against vulnerability. If a person doesn't need help, if they are always competent, confident, and strong, then they don't lean into situations that would ask them to depend on another human. They get accustomed to appearing, and even feeling, like they have everything under control.

When a situation or phase of life occurs that requires this person to ask for help, which eventually happens to all of us, they feel untethered and terrified. They hate asking for help, and they often resist receiving help. Maybe they even become angry. The suffering they will endure before receiving help is incredible.

With these clients, I often find out that they grew up too fast. Their childhood was cut short. They stepped into a position of authority and adulthood long before they were developmentally ready to do so. Hyper-resiliency wasn't an option; it was how they survived.

So how do you stop doing something that successfully helped you survive your childhood?

You begin by recognizing that you're no longer that child, alone and overly burdened, without anyone to guide you along. What you needed to do to survive is often the opposite of what you will need to do in order to THRIVE. So if control, independence, and pushing through life as a veritable bulldozer served you well when you needed to survive, it might be time to practice feeling safe without digging your heels in and pressing forward with such relentlessness. If you find yourself in adulthood with people who love you and genuinely want to help you out in times of need - what are you afraid might happen if you accept the offer?

You'll feel worthless? You'll worry about how to pay them back? You're afraid that they'll see you as weak, or worse - incompetent?

Find the part of you that is resistant to receiving help.

How old does this part of you seem?

Does it seem like maybe it's the fear of a child frozen in time?

Maybe it is.

Maybe the child within you that grew up too fast needs to hear what I'm about to say. If this doesn't resonate with you, then carry on. This is written for whoever it happens to resonate with:

"You are enough exactly as you are. And you always have been. Life was really hard, and you had to take on some heavy burdens, probably before you were big enough to carry it all. But you did what you needed to do, and you kept trying until you could hold it all - yours and theirs. Your arms got heavy, but you found new ways to hide your exhaustion so that you could keep holding it all. This became your purpose.

You began to feel alone ... and tired. You wanted help, you needed help, but you assumed nobody would want to help you the way that you had helped others. Even if there were people willing to help, you weren't sure how to ask.

Maybe you tried a couple times to ask for help, but it didn't work out, and this confirmed your belief that you're all alone in this heavy, difficult life. But what if something else could be true? What if the strongest, bravest, most resilient thing you can do now is cry out for help until someone listens? Maybe you don't stop at the fist busy person who didn't really understand your pain; maybe you take off that armor piece by piece, allowing yourself to be a human who has been carrying too much for far too long and in need of a soft place to land.

It might be scary to trust someone in this way. It might be uncomfortable to be seen as a person who needs help after so many years of hiding and surviving behind the image of strength and independence. It's okay if this step toward vulnerability takes every bit of bravery you have. It's okay if you feel awkward or terrified or humiliated... You're stepping out of survival, removing your battle gear, and you might suddenly feel raw and exposed. Keep going.

Our nervous system is wired for connection, and order to feel truly safe, we have to feel seen, known, and connected with others. Maybe the closest experience you've had to safety is to succeed or to be needed, but instead of safety, which would feel like ease and release, you find that each success, each hardship that you navigated independently, leaves you feeling a bit more unsteady. You're holding so tight to the tug-of-war of life, and you can feel the rope slipping away. The more you pull, the more desperate you feel. "It's not enough. I'M not enough. I can't do this". The rope slips away, and you're left there - exhausted, defeated, and alone.

You weren't supposed to endure alone, but you did because you had to - for a period of time. But not forever. Survival skills are great for short periods of time, but they start to break us down if used long-term.

So, here's to you - brave enough to ask for help; strong enough to receive it; worthy enough to remember that you are made for more than just surviving.

Life is more meaningful together. Burdens are lighter when carried by many. You are loved, you are enough, and you are not alone.

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.'” - Brene Brown